30 Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home
posted by Jim Lutz to sci.military.naval
- Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for
at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or
like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use
foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
- Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the
outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or
Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
- Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)
- Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40
people using the same commode.
- Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
- Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and
press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
- Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look
bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
- Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
- Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play
music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your
- Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed.
Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a
good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the
floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell
of your bunkmate's socks.
- Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking
table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make
use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police
sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
- Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and
wait two weeks before eating them.
- Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the simageses you can grope
for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three
- Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and
run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
- At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a
'black water system' boo-boo.
- Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it.
Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the
- Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely
take an appliance apart and put it back together.
- Remove all plants, images and decorations. Paint everything
gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
- Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
- Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
- When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.
- Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking
place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as
many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest
possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you
dress funny and don't speak right.
- Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
- Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.
- Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak
trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
- Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
- Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs
it or not.
- remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job,
- mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant
on the ship imagesking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into
your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.